DREAMS AND HEARTACHE!

I must say its been awhile! Many of you know how much I have wanted to be a firefighter since I was very little.. Its always been my dream.. For awhile I gave up on that dream due to the economy.. Well Im here to say Im not giving up on that dream any longer! Im going back to school and I will succeed! I will not stop until I reach the top.. but to change the subject a wee bit..

There is something else on my mind, Something very serious that must be addressed... Im taking a huge leap with this one.. Its about the recent suicides of the 4 gay boys.. My heart goes out to all of their family and friends.. It kills me to know that I was there at one point in time.. Knowing you are different at a very young age, being raised in a religious family, youngest of 7 and having feelings so deeply unexplainable was really hard for me and at times it still is.. I know killing myself isn't the right thing to do. Because in the midst of it all, I know my family loves me. I have lost friends over "coming out of the closet" and I know people dont look at me the same.. and it has taken me along time to get over those losses and changes but you gotta remember you have a beautiful life to live and keep moving forward. I know who I am now. I am happy. I love all, for God IS love!

If you disagree with my way of thinking that is ok.. I still love you. And you need to know Im not trying to change you so please dont try to change me. I love you the way you are.

For those who are having a hard time and are still "in the closet" just know you ARE NOT alone! As my beauitful Auntie Lizzy J always tells me, " YOU ARE AN EAGLE BY DAMN!"

FLY HIGH AND DONT LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN!

LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT!

My Choas

So I guess im not the best at this blogger thing. It's been awhile to say the least, and there have been some drastic changes I have made in my life recently. I feel need to put it out there.

About a month or so ago, I came to the tough decision that the significant other in my life needed to go. That seriously has been one of the hardest thing i have had to do. I was with them for over a year. I know a year. Crazy how time goes by so fast. I realized I was being held back and that I wasnt happy with myself. So, in with the parents i go. Welcome back to Mesa!! It feels good to be home. Its been too long. Im starting to feel safe again. Although, i will be honest im a little scared to be back. I dont want to fight with my parents like i use to. Its my biggest worry to mess up the relationship that we have now. I love it. Im finally feeling like daddy's little girl again... that went away for a long time because of some of my decisions. Agree to disagree is an awesome tool. It helps keep to the peace and the ones you love. I know if your one of my sisters reading this your saying, "oh my gosh brit your not a little girl anymore", And I know this. All im saying is that im starting to feel the love of my father again. Its been years.
I slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I noticed my last post was about my dreams/goals. What a good reminder!! So... come the new year back to school i go. Im thinking about a degree in art, music, or fashion. What do you think?

I really miss my sisters. They might not know this but I really do look up to them. I need there comfort and there words of wisdom to get me through. Its because of them I am still here standing tall. I know thats deep but its the truth. Everytime I go down they are there picking me up and building my confidence. This new journey i have started for myself is a whole new ballpark. I AM GOING TO SUCCEED. I have failed too much in my life and I dont want to do it again. So, i am going to do WHATEVER it takes to succeed and to reach my goals. I just wish i had my sisters here as my cheerleaders.


This is just a glimpse of whats going on in my choatic life. I want to be better. I want to be someone that people remember for good things, not stupid irresponsible decisions i make. So, if i have hurt you im sorry. I hope you can forgive me. For this is the start of my new begining. Much love from Bdub.

Dreams/Goals

Lately I've been pondering what I want to do with my life. And i also just want to give people another view of me. I feel like my family and friends don't really know the real me. I have many dreams/goals but I'm just gonna put down a few.

1.Music is my passion and although i know how to play many instruments, my dream is to learn how to play the piano better.

2.I love love sports. Softball and Basketball are my specialty and it's my dream to coach high school girls basketball or even junior high.

3.Lets Battle. Now my sisters have been known more for the dancing but believe it or not i love to dance. Especially battling. I love it when the music is pounding so hard that it will actually make your heart beat.

4. I love helping people. And it's my goal to become a firefighter.

5. This one goes alone with firefighting but it's my goal to build up the courage to join the
United States Air Force. I'm hoping I'll be ready by the end of the year at the max!

Anyway, that's a little bit about me and my goals. I know it's kinda cheesy. More to come.

I'm confident that i will reach these dreams and goals. I believe in myself more then anyone ever could. I know myself. I love myself. I will concur. Love it. Live it. Do it.

It started out like any other day...

I know I'm not the best blogger but, I've been needing to put my heart out there. It's crazy how your life can be perfect one day and then fall apart the next. It started out like any other day, it was Feb 4, 2009.. I woke up at 7a.m. not really wanting to go to work but knew I had to. I get to work at 9a.m... 9:30a.m. I talked to my managers, it didn't go well, I was a complete mess at about 10 a.m. I'm crying and calling my mama to come meet me outside (my mama and I work together). 10:30a.m. Mama tells me it's gonna be alright. Then proceeds to tell me that she has an MRI that day. So, at 12p.m. I decide to go with her. Right after she was done and came out of the office she didn't look good and she was so dizzy. 2:30p.m. I'm driving behind her to make sure she gets home safe. 3p.m I go to Walmart to get stuff for tuna sandwiches. As I worked in the house at 3:30p.m. the phone rings... it's the doctor calling for mama.I run and give the phone to my mama...I go to the kitchen where my sister T is standing.. 3:35p.m. mama comes running out of her room screaming "THEY CALLED SO FAST, THEY CALLED SO FAST!".. T tries to comfort her.. 3:45p.m. Dad is on his way home to take mama to the doctor to find out the results. Meanwhile, T tells me she thinks mama has a brain tumor.. I couldn't believe it so I waited. In my head, I didn't want to go there.. I didn't want this to be. So, as papa took mama to the results, T, Wesley, and I waited patiently at home for another phone call. It's crazy how one phone call can completely alter your life. 4:29p.m. Mama calls.. "I have a brain tumor". For some reason it didn't hit me until I got home in Phoenix. Why my mama? Huh? Why? I wouldn't let myself believe it until I knew more.


Thursday, Feb 5,2009 was a pretty normal day. Spent it with my dear Auntie Liz.


Friday, Feb 6, 2009 I woke up texting T. It went something like this.

T: Are you going to work today?
Me: Gonna try to.
T: Ya.
Me:We'll see how long I last.
T: Good luck.
Me: Thanks what do you have planned today?
T: Not much, maybe some thrifting.
Me: Well if I end up leaving early I'll call you.

(5Mintues go by)

My phone goes off, it's T, "Brit you're not going to work today... Mom just fell." My response,"what! ok ok I'm on my way!!!" In that very moment it hit me. My mama is sick. I drop and scream. I was a mess. I went upstairs and got Aunt Liz to drive me to the hospital.

My mind was racing, my heart pounding out of my chest.No no no no no no no no. You're not taking my mama away from me!

When my Aunt Liz and I got to the hospital, we couldn't find her in the ER. I was in a panic! Almost yelling to the nurses I said "WHERE IS MY MOM." Finally, one of the nurses said, "is that her on the screen?" I replied, "No, but that is my dad. Where is that at?". They had just gotten there. I ran to them.

I can't even describe what my mama looked like. I am scarred. I thought she was gonna leave us that day. And I'm sure T would agree with me.

To kind of go off the story I wanna explain that my mama and I haven't always had the best relationship. I was a very mean teen.

So, as we waited for a room I hugged my mama and told her I was sorry for everything. I am sorry mama for not showing you how much I love you. She replied softly, "Brit, I have already forgiven you. It's time for you to get on your knees and repent to your heavenly father."

My Mother taught me that day, don't sweat the small stuff. Love your life. Enjoy it with the people who really love you.

It makes me sad that something so tragic has to happen to open up your eyes.

We were at Banner Baywood for 6 hours that day before they sent my mama home. I'm sorry but I hate that hospital. They did nothing for her.

Later that Friday night, my dad took her to St. Joseph's where they took really good care of her.

All of my brothers and sisters came to be by her side.

Her surgery is scheduled for Tuesday Feb. 17th, 2009.
I pray that she makes it through the surgery.

Mama you truly are my ray of sunshine. I love you.

Truly Amazing...

Today, I went to walk the 3 mile Breast Cancer Walk. I can't explain to you in words how amazing it was to see thousands of people gather together for one thing, A cure for breast cancer.
I realized how much the little stuff doesn't matter, and was proud to walk for the women who have died, survived and/or who are still going through treatment.

Let's Blog

So, I guess I have a blog now. I love to look at all my family's blogs so if this is what I gotta do to stay connected, count me in!